she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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