someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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