I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
