I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
