Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
