That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
