I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
