My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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