Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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