Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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