Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
