I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
