i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
