Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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