just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
