im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
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Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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