My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
