I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
