can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
