Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
