I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
