david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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