Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
