Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
