tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
