You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
