last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
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It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
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I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize