He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
love makes seman taste better
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
