Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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