They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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