If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
