I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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