I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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