Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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