just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
