It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
