I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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