I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She told me I should be a condom model.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
