My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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