If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
