I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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