I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
