but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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