She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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