just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you would pick up someone in the library
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
