Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
