Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
two words...techno handjob
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
false alarm, still single
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