Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Send help, water and tortillas.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
