if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
