"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Did you pee in the oven last night??
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
