so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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