Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
