gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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