we're chasing vodka with high fives
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
