she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
