Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
