my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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