he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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