I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
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There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
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I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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