A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
