The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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