so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
