im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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